10 things people have said to me on dates, that in retrospect, I should have treated as fair warning

Dear friends: if anyone you’re seeing says any of these things while on a date with you, you should: a) put down your drink and collect up your belongings, b) politely make your excuses and leave, c) block the other person on all social networking sites, d) toast your lucky escape with a freshly made mojito, on the beach, with your friends.

I promise it will save you lots of trouble (and possibly money) in the long run.

  1. “How come you own loads of perfume? I thought you were a feminist.”
  2. “I’m ethically polyamorous. Let me explain what that means: I’m seeing this girl in Scotland. But she’s a very free spirit, so it’s not going anywhere. So I can see you too.”
  3. “To be honest, I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. I don’t really like any of my friends, either.”
  4. “I’m really not a very nice person. You shouldn’t trust me.”
  5. “I’m an estate agent. It’s quite boring, so I also own a nightclub on the side.”*
  6. “Your bedroom doesn’t really LOOK like you’re bisexual. To be honest, I think you’re probably straight.”
  7. “I just had this really bad day, my boss is such a bitch… I think because she’s a woman and she just got this promotion, she feels she’s got something to prove…”
  8. “What was I doing today? Oh, I was hanging out with my friend Ellie. Really good friend of mine. She’s so great, we just spent the whole time laughing at this thing that happened…haha, but it would take too long to explain. Yeah, we actually used to be together, it just didn’t work out….”
  9. [At end of Guardians of the Galaxy] “Wait, who’s that?” [pointing at Chris Pratt’s character. The main character.]
  10. [Date 2]: “I really feel like I’m falling in love with you. Since I’ve been on these anti-depressants, I’ve been much more open to falling in love.”

chris pratt star lord

Chris Pratt as Star Lord demonstrating the correct facial expression to use when confronted by any of these sentences

*Note: I found out a few hours later the nightclub was in Weston-Super-Mare.

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