Reviewing Bristol #2: Maintaining standards (except Amy)

This is what I do when I can’t bear to think about serious things, IE when the BBC is insisting on broadcasting constant propaganda round the clock about how we have to go into Syria and save the poor defenseless women and children from ISIS (what are you worried about, people? Look at all the other Middle Eastern democracies we’ve successfully built!).

Behold, Bristol’s finest Google reviewers, making life seem trivial again.

I’m not angry, just disappointed

Jesus, Amy. Start thinking seriously about the way you treat people, or you’re riding for a fall, lady. A serious fall.

I’d love to think he was trying to be funny, but I’ve got the sinking feeling that he’s deadly serious.

Answer me this

“Google reviewer successfully answers own question with use of word ‘almost’.”

NB. “half the size I expected with a too heavy stress on perfumery” is a perfect description of the men I encountered last time I went out to a Bristol nightclub.

Righteous fury

All these people wrote their reviews while looking like this:

angry Google reviewers

Sally had no problem shopping at Primark before (ten years of news reports about value chains allegedly riddled with child labour and human rights abuses), but the Workfare scheme is just beyond the pale.

Have a heart Luke; people’s jobs are at stake here. You’re right; it is profoundly embarrassing to be the worst supermarket on the planet. But can you at least let them defend themselves? You know your recommendations carry weight, Luke, so do pause and consider.

Mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice, as Lincoln once said, Luke.

Just stop and think, Luke.

LUKE.

Adequately bright

  

They’re reviewing the same Sainsbury’s. This creates an interesting philosophical conundrum. On the one hand, Fi’s sunglasses indicate that she’s an experienced and adept assessor of brightness levels, while the anonymity of the other reviewer also indicates that they probably can’t be trusted, so I think we have to believe Fi. But …can we? What can we really grasp on to here?  Consider: what we have here is a perfect demonstration of the unreliability of signifiers at conveying a solid signified. Words are random, meaning is subjective. The universe is just made of shifting sands, people. Shifting goddamn sands.

Good that they have a cafe, though.

Get these people to my next dinner party

Arthur. It’s time to forget that Aldi incident, okay? Just try and put it out of your mind. You’re just letting them win if you don’t, and you’re stronger than that, Arthur. I know you are.

Terry. aside from being justifiably angered and upset, actually has what sounds like a sound case for legal action here. It’s a little known fact, but if you spend over a thousand pounds on yourself in one shopping trip you are legally exempt from abiding by all parking regulations. The big boys up at the council just doesn’t bother to inform people of their RIGHTS cos their too busy cosying up to FAT CATS IN BIG BUSINESS and spending all your hard earned tax pennies translating local road signs into KOSHER SHARIA LAW

I thought Lee must be a guy, just having a laugh. But then I looked at Lee’s other reviews and I’m pretty sure it’s a woman. Now I don’t know what to believe and I’m a bit scared.

Ultimately, one thing is certain: NO THANKS TESCO.

Trish sounds fantastic.

Unfortunately, the best part of this very long review of Pizza Hut (that this guy clearly invested ages writing and editing to perfection) was the juxtaposition of the whole thing right above Trish’s comment; which took her 45 seconds to write, but was way funnier.

“It’s as honest as I’m able to be” is the phrase which makes me feel just fine about making fun of him.


  trish

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