I went through a phase…OK, maybe more than just a phase… of putting up the posters of teen heart-throbs, from the teen magazines I used to buy.
These man-children hung on my walls, pouted benignly over every waking moment of my utterly unremarkable and unattractive adolescence… until the blu-tack dried out, and they fell face-first into my plastic model ponies. (Always a sad day). I’m not sure what made me think of it today, but I was, and then I couldn’t stop thinking about them.
Disturbingly, it seems that in my teenage years, I swung from fancying guys who looked somewhat man-like, to those who don’t actually seem to have reached puberty. It’s weird to think that adult women and men collected up some of these pictures and marketed them to me as sex symbols. I mean, I was young enough to still be attracted to someone whose voice was not yet broken, and they knew about it. Bleurgh. Imagine that being your job. Presumably, someone still does this stuff now (although I can’t imagine with smartphones and all that new-fangled whatnot, that today’s teenage girls are putting up with the rubbish quality snaps and articles we used to get our kicks to- they’re probably all watching X-rated home sex videos of the dudes, or something).
So. Anyway. We’re rating the hotties for their creeps-giving qualities in reverse order, starting with the least creepy:
Callan Mulvey (“Drazic” in Heartbreak High)
Putting this poster on my wall might be one of the least creepy things that I did at 13, in fact.
Jason Priestley (“Brandon” in Beverly Hills 90210)
Similarly to Callan, I’m not hugely bothered by this picture of Jason. He’s actually quite pretty and James Dean-like.
(Except that his hair makes him look like a really big paintbrush).
Creeposity factor: negligible.
Dieter Brummer, “Shane” in Home and Away
I had completely forgotten about this guy until googling for this blog. Now I remember this poster all too clearly. Not too high on the creep-o-meter, but I think you’ll agree, he’s off the charts in twattish smirkosity.
Devon Sawa (the kid that Christina Ricci kisses in Casper the Friendly Ghost)
There’s also an ick factor to those giant curtains. I can’t work out what makes them creepy, but they are, and we’ve got plenty of others to peruse while we work it out.
Leonardo di Caprio (at this point you were supposed to like him in This Boy’s Life and the Basketball Diaries, although the teen magazines had very little comment to make about his performance in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, which I get now much more than I did then.)
His curtains, though…what an achievement. One of them actually flicks from the left side of his head to the opposite eye! Sigh. If only he’d kept those babies throughout his whole career. They’d have really added to his gravitas in J.Edgar.
Taylor Hanson (the middle one in the band ‘Hanson’)
let’s just put some space between us and that picture….
cute kittens and ducklings
there we go.
But the creepy award goes to……
Jonathan Taylor Thomas, “Randy” in Home Improvement
nothing about this picture or the fact that I put it on my wall is ok
*OK, I’m sorry. To make you feel better, go and look at this webpage about Callan Mulvey that apparently hasn’t been updated since the 90s. It includes a list of ‘quirky Callan facts’, such as: ‘He loves doing crazy things like skating through crowded places with his boxer shorts on and his pants down to his ankles, just to see what reaction he gets’. Oh, and that he ‘looks for soul in the eyes of a woman.’ Frankly, I’m turned on by the image of him doing both simultaneously.
Let’s also be comforted by the fact that you’ll never again have to watch Dawson’s Creek and pretend you think it’s cool. (I’m really proud of the fact that I didn’t hang a picture of that berk on my wall, ever.)