Tinder Top Trumps kicked off on this blog with the difficult category “People who have taken a photo of themselves next to something far more visually arresting or exciting than they are, rendering themselves the least interesting part of the photo.”
This week, I’m bringing you “People holding something weird in a weird way.”
Let the challenge commence.
Sub-category of honorable mentions #1:
Dudes holding babies
A surprising number of men tend to grab a baby as a prop for their Tinder shots, which I find disturbing in the extreme.
You do understand the point of Tinder is to hook up, right? The entire purpose of the picture is for women to look at it and make a split-second, hormone-driven decision as to whether she wants to be naked with you.
IT’S NOT WHOLESOME TO INVOLVE YOUR CHILDREN IN THIS ENDEAVOR, GENTLEMEN.
However, in the mess of many, many dudes holding babies I’ve swiped, there were some contenders for this category’s winner, including one woman. Just because looking at them makes me feel…sort of….weird.
HEY YOU GUYS
THAT’S MY DAD HE WANTS TO SLEEP WITH YOU
Lissy’s baby looks like Charlize Theron, taking a break from acting in a perfume advert… and I find this disconcerting.
Oh no, I’m fine. Oh, well, I’m just thinking.
Thinking about how nobody understands me, and my thoughts. Just me, me and my squashed red baby, alone in this colorless world.
Sure, I’ll get a latte, thanks so much.
OH MY GOD DAD
I JUST REALISED WHAT YOU’RE DOING
WITH THAT CAMERA
CHRIST, DAD, STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT, IT’S GROSS
Subcategory of honorable mentions #2:
Dudes holding dogs to demonstrate just how well they’d hold a sweet, sweet lady like you in their arms
There’s a lot of this kind of thing going on. I, for one, think it’s time to highlight that it’s a problem.
Frankly, I don’t know about other people, but I find it rarely makes me want to swipe right. There’s something about the way most of the dogs are being held, that I am not ok with. Surely most people find dog caressing the opposite of erotic? Unless they are the star of a Channel 4 documentary.
Every time Roger finishes washing a dog at Taylored Pet Care, he dances the dogs around the room, humming show tunes, like a proud dad with his teenage girl all dressed up and about to go to prom.
It’s a bit creepy though.
“Ignore him. He can barely see a thing through those glasses. Just look at me, look deep into my eyes… I’ve got a plan to sabotage the man-bun, but I’m going to need your help. This is no time for games. I need to know I can trust you. Nod once if I can trust you.”
“Sure, right, so. I want the ladies to really wonder what’s going on between us, and to be first curious, and then just a tiny bit unnerved, about whether the way I’m touching you has anything to do with the name of my company.”
“Right, ok. I’ve got the perfect expression for that, no worries. Oh, and why have you got your finger in a wine bottle?”
“Oh…that’s been stuck in there for a while. Don’t worry about it.”
Also he’s got a weird snake with no head attached to his arm.
It’s a bit of a fine line from here to looking uncomfortably like you’re rubbing yourself on the tree (while your friend holding the camera twitches nervously and makes the shot slightly blurry) but I think we can all agree Mark dodged THAT bullet.
Honourable mention: Runner up
Oh, so close to the winner now. So close.
Hey guuurrrrl, what’s goin on?
Me and Mopsy wuz just hangin out, waitin for you. Swipe right and I’ll open the door, gurl. Oh yeah baby, you can walk straight into my… special lovin zone.
[softly snaps fingers in time with music]
Yes. Mopsy stays with me here in the special lovin’ zone. That’s non-negotiable I’m afraid.
The category winner of this ‘Holding weird things in a weird way’ Tinder Top Trumps, is: Rodrigo.
First, let’s just read his introductory text.
He likes ‘complicated sex’. Are you wondering what that means? I certainly am.
Well, I hate monotony, and I do like a man with beautiful girls, especially when they’re ‘his world’. In fact, I’m 100% hot for men who fill their entire world with children, because that’s pretty healthy and exactly what women want, particularly when they’re not related to the children.
Also me likey the phrase ‘blue marble’.
So, but, the sex. What’s so complicated about it, Rodrigo?
Hmmmm, I wonder if his main Tinder picture holds any clues.
Where, exactly, are you standing, that it’s ok to hold up a horrific alien fish-squid thing with tentacles, indoors?
Why do you look so sweaty, and yet so proud of yourself?
There’s nothing to be proud of here, Rodrigo.