Tinder Top Trumps is back

Tinder Top Trumps kicked off on this blog with the difficult category “People who have taken a photo of themselves next to something far more visually arresting or exciting than they are, rendering themselves the least interesting part of the photo.”

This week, I’m bringing you “People holding something weird in a weird way.”

Let the challenge commence.

Sub-category of honorable mentions #1:

Dudes holding babies

A surprising number of men tend to grab a baby as a prop for their Tinder shots, which I find disturbing in the extreme.

You do understand the point of Tinder is to hook up, right? The entire purpose of the picture is for women to look at it and make a split-second, hormone-driven decision as to whether she wants to be naked with you.

IT’S NOT WHOLESOME TO INVOLVE YOUR CHILDREN IN THIS ENDEAVOR, GENTLEMEN.

However, in the mess of many, many dudes holding babies I’ve swiped, there were some contenders for this category’s winner, including one woman. Just because looking at them makes me feel…sort of….weird.

Screenshot_2015-11-26-18-26-21

HEY YOU GUYS

HEYYYYY

THAT’S MY DAD HE WANTS TO SLEEP WITH YOU

Screenshot_2015-12-13-23-02-55

Lissy’s baby looks like Charlize Theron, taking a break from acting in a perfume advert… and I find this disconcerting.

 

Screenshot_2015-11-10-19-41-12What’s that?

Oh no, I’m fine. Oh, well, I’m just thinking.

Thinking about how nobody understands me, and my thoughts. Just me, me and my squashed red baby, alone in this colorless world.

Sure, I’ll get a latte, thanks so much.

 

Screenshot_2015-12-05-10-51-18

OH MY GOD DAD

DAD

I JUST REALISED WHAT YOU’RE DOING

WITH THAT CAMERA

CHRIST, DAD, STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT, IT’S GROSS

 

Subcategory of honorable mentions #2:

Dudes holding dogs to demonstrate just how well they’d hold a sweet, sweet lady like you in their arms

There’s a lot of this kind of thing going on. I, for one, think it’s time to highlight that it’s a problem.

Frankly, I don’t know about other people, but I find it rarely makes me want to swipe right. There’s something about the way most of the dogs are being held, that I am not ok with. Surely most people find dog caressing the opposite of erotic? Unless they are the star of a Channel 4 documentary.

Screenshot_2015-12-14-22-27-49What the hell kind of dog is that, Scott? It’s fuzzy and looks like a messed-up lamb, and I think you should put it down.

Screenshot_2015-12-13-09-22-44I have to admit I’m pretty turned on by this…something about the eye contact

 

Screenshot_2015-11-26-18-25-47

‘TA DAAAA!’

Every time Roger finishes washing a dog at Taylored Pet Care, he dances the dogs around the room, humming show tunes, like a proud dad with his teenage girl all dressed up and about to go to prom.

It’s a bit creepy though.

Screenshot_2015-12-15-22-26-05“Ignore him. He can barely see a thing through those glasses. Just look at me, look deep into my eyes… I’ve got a plan to sabotage the man-bun, but I’m going to need your help. This is no time for games. I need to know I can trust you. Nod once if I can trust you.”

Screenshot_2015-12-12-16-18-20Ross, I don’t know what you’re trying to communicate here, but I have to advise you that I don’t like it.

The finalists

Screenshot_2015-12-12-17-57-48“Bradley, I like it. I mean it’s great, but I’m not sure I totally understand it. Can you….”

“Sure, right, so. I want the ladies to really wonder what’s going on between us, and to be first curious, and then just a tiny bit unnerved, about whether the way I’m touching you has anything to do with the name of my company.”

“Right, ok. I’ve got the perfect expression for that, no worries. Oh, and why have you got your finger in a wine bottle?”

“Oh…that’s been stuck in there for a while. Don’t worry about it.”

 

Screenshot_2015-12-08-22-19-18Greg works in Hooters. He’s got aaaaall the moves the chicks go wild for.

Also he’s got a weird snake with no head attached to his arm.

Screenshot_2015-12-14-22-46-43Jordan, I’ve got to admit I haven’t seen a LOT of people hold hedgehogs, but I’m pretty sure that’s not the expression you’re supposed to wear while doing it.

 

Screenshot_2015-12-12-16-18-11“And now, all I need is a wife!”

 

Screenshot_2015-12-12-16-21-28Closing your eyes and smiling while caressing trees with your face= short cut to looking caring and sensitive.

It’s a bit of a fine line from here to looking uncomfortably like you’re rubbing yourself on the tree (while your friend holding the camera twitches nervously and makes the shot slightly blurry) but I think we can all agree Mark dodged THAT bullet.

Honourable mention: Runner up

Oh, so close to the winner now. So close.

Screenshot_2015-12-13-02-22-26[soft music: Drake “I Get Lonely Too”]

Hey guuurrrrl, what’s goin on?

Me and Mopsy wuz just hangin out, waitin for you. Swipe right and I’ll open the door, gurl. Oh yeah baby, you can walk straight into my… special lovin zone.

[softly snaps fingers in time with music]

Yes. Mopsy stays with me here in the special lovin’ zone. That’s non-negotiable I’m afraid.

And finally

The category winner of this ‘Holding weird things in a weird way’ Tinder Top Trumps, is: Rodrigo.

First, let’s just read his introductory text.

He likes ‘complicated sex’. Are you wondering what that means? I certainly am.

Screenshot_2015-12-17-08-16-15Well, I hate monotony, and I do like a man with beautiful girls, especially when they’re ‘his world’. In fact, I’m 100% hot for men who fill their entire world with children, because that’s pretty healthy and exactly what women want, particularly when they’re not related to the children.

Also me likey the phrase ‘blue marble’.

So, but, the sex. What’s so complicated about it, Rodrigo?

Hmmmm, I wonder if his main Tinder picture holds any clues.

Screenshot_2015-12-17-08-15-56What- in the name of all that is holy- do you have in  your hand, Rodrigo?!

Where, exactly, are you standing, that it’s ok to hold up a horrific alien fish-squid thing with tentacles, indoors?

Why do you look so sweaty, and yet so proud of yourself?

There’s nothing to be proud of here, Rodrigo.

Nothing.

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