Thanks for the creme egg, Red Sandy: sex clubs, reviewed

Note: NSFW, or people who are bothered by discussion of kinky sex practices. (Other people’s,  not mine!)

 

Those of you who read my blog will know that I occasionally enjoy browsing through online reviews for supermarkets left by Bristolians with not a lot better to do (see here and here).

I’ve recently taken a slightly new direction in time-wasting. It started when I realised that one of Bristol’s notorious local sex clubs, The Office, has plenty of reviews left for it on dedicated swingers’ message boards. This then led me down an internet rabbit hole.

Since, as I discovered, sex clubs are expensive, people don’t want to pay to get into a dud one. (A dud sex club is apparently one where loads of old fat guys stand around, drinking Stella and crowding round one sagging plastic-sheeted bed watching one presumably discombobulated-but-enthusiastic couple politely ignore them from the missionary position). So online reviews of sex clubs are both comprehensive and detailed across the country, as people try and work out what they should do with their weekends.

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The Office sex club, Bristol. Turns out not to be well reviewed, despite the ambitiously in-your-face decor

This all makes me very happy. It turns out that with a bottle of red wine on hand, I can get lost in reading sex club reviews for, well, a bit too long. There’s just something about the banal precision of the way people describe all the facilities, coupled with the arresting details of people’s presumably hot and sticky nights of glitter-covered group sex on revolving beds, that I find both diverting and inspirational. To think that I spend my evenings out drinking G&Ts and talking about whether George Ferguson screwed up by introducing resident’s parking zones.

So, welcome to the world of online sex club reviews. I’ll give you a tour.

Welcome to sex club reviewing. It’s an art form

Most of the review sites have a brief summary of the sex club, without pictures thankfully, with a list of facilities like ‘Lockable playrooms’ and ‘Free wetwipes’.

Then, people log into their accounts- some using real pics and some using pseudonyms, and leave either a short but sweet review:

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Ooh, I love your pith helmet, Donald.

But sometimes the review is more ….eloquent.

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Thus COMPLETELY CURTAILING our night out. Don’t you just hate when that happens? (When ….your husband is too busy trying to keep his shoes clean to do anything useful, like stopping some random guy treating your vagina like a dirty U-bend?)

Life lessons

Sometimes the little snippets you get of someone’s night, just the odd distinct detail, really leave you wishing….well, not wishing you were THERE exactly.

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“I was made to feel very welcome by some of the regulars.” ….Bleeeechchcighgggprhgh.

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Imagine going to a sex club and having a reason to say ‘Shit, I forgot my pen for Bingo’.

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“No, not you Fat Dave, it’s Tall Dave’s turn. Polished Shoes Dave, come up the front. Ginger Dave, can you hold this while I take a breather?”

Ok, maybe it’s just me finding this funny. I’m going onto my third glass of red.

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I want to know everything there is to know about Red Sandy

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And as a bonus, you have more than enough people for a swift game of 7-aside afterwards.

Maybe next week I’ll get back to supermarket reviews, but somehow I’m not sure that they’ll seem the same after this.

These people… made the whole thing uncomfortable

Here’s my favourite review. It comes from Paddy and it’s of The Attic club, Derby. The adjective ‘lovely’ has been used here to a whole new effect.

Just feels like I’ve had my eyes opened. I guess …I guess you’re never too old to dream a new dream, and to reach for the stars. [insert meme here]

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Yes, that does sounds like it would spoil it a bit.

(If you liked this, EG: you have as puerile a sense of humour as I do, I urge you to visit the website of A1 Caravan Swinger’s Club… Just because.)

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