5 things the internet is telling me to do today, that I will not be doing

Hi, everyone, it’s Saturday.

This is a list of things that I, after careful consideration, will NOT be doing today.

  1. Applying contouring makeup.

“Highlighting and contouring are two crafty li’l tricks that you can use to enhance your bone structure and make it look like you’re constantly under the most flattering movie lighting possible. Even if you’re not going to an event, it’s fun to experiment with elements of ~drama~ in your makeup.  Let’s get to it!


I mean, we all know this isn’t happening today. Or ever. Right?

2. Making miniature Eggs Benedict canapé ‘bites’ out of quails eggs.

“These impressive bites will be the talk of the party!”

Probably not, though, if we’re honest? And if this is the case, then we are really talking about a party I very much do not want to be at.

3. Embracing the hottest summer fashion trends for 2017

Including ruffles, ‘deconstructed shirts’, and all-over floral. “Basically, if you’re not wearing ruffles, you might as well stay indoors.’ says Glamour magazine (incorrectly).IMG_0925.PNG

It seems like, actually, if I AM wearing ruffles, I’ll look like I’m going to a matador-themed night at a gay club, which -sadly -is not on my agenda for today. (Oh and, I’ll save you the trouble of finding out for yourself: the head-to-toe floral looks QUITE ridiculous).

Plus, WTF dudes, it’s not summer yet! Nothing is sadder than a woman shivering at the No.36 bus stop in a ‘deconstructed’ shirt…her sad, soggy pointy sleeves losing a flappy battle against rainy gusts of wind.

Nobody wants to be that woman, right? No! Come on. Throw on some jeans and a cardigan, and stop being a dick.

4. Getting into Crossfit.

OOoh what is Crossfit, I hear literally nobody say?

CrossFit is a strength and conditioning programme that prepares you for anything that life can throw at you. It is also an incredible community of people who support each other, work hard and achieve amazing results….Routine is the enemy, every time you come to a class you will be doing something different that will test you in a way you have never been tested before says my local Crossfit club.

Gosh, wish I could. But this hot croissant with softly melting butter won’t eat itself, sadly,

gotta go


5. Recreating cinema-inspired sex positions to give my guy a thrill

For EG, to evoke Keira Knightley and James McAvoy’s sex scene in Atonement:

“Wear your finest British 1930s attire and head to your in-home library. If your library is closed for dusting or something, have your man press you fully clothed up against the kitchen counter. Hike up your gown, wrap your legs around him, and kiss like you’ve been desperate for him for years.”

Oh, shit, a GOWN you said? I was picturing myself posed seductively against our Ikea bookshelves, doing my come-hither eyes, in some tweed golfing knickerbockers, two-toned shoes and a flat cap…until you ruined it with the whole GOWN thing, jeez.

I guess I won’t bother then.


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Get Him Hot And Horny With Rhetorical Devices!

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Note: my partner Dan gets due credit here for the Catholic missionaries.